In the perfect workplace, everyone gets along. There are no disputes regarding titles, compensation, schedules, assignments or the physical environment. There are no personality conflicts and there's no sexual harassment. Each worker takes full responsibility for his or her actions and never attempts to place blame on another person or an external influence. Do you recognize this place?

No? You're not alone. Sadly, for most of us, the perfect workplace doesn't exist. Instead, our jobs often keep us at a slow boil, working harder and longer with fewer resources. Isolated from the support of the traditional extended family, we routinely juggle home and work responsibilities. No wonder many of us feel like we are living in a breeding ground for conflicts.

This is the first of a three-part series on managing workplace conflict. This month, I'll offer tips that will help defuse a conflict.

My 20 years as a mediator have taught me that most conflict is driven by emotion, not logic. Even most financial battles aren't about the money. In fact, conflicts start when someone feels devalued, dismissed or disrespected. For many of his victims, the worst consequence of Bernie Madoff's crimes is not the loss of resources, but the feelings tthey are left with--of being duped, betrayed and humiliated. These emotions will continue to fuel the fire against him. And while Madoff is an extreme case, we all need to be aware that any perceived slight can leave our customers/clients feeling less than satisfied--initiating a business loss or an unnecessary conflict.

We don't often get the whole story when the latest horrific act of workplace violence is presented in TV sound bites. But we do know that those who commit these crimes often have histories of feeling alienated and outcast. Typically, they see themselves as victims, under attack and powerless. This victim stance promotes a lack of responsibility. After all, if they are innocents, the results of their crimes are not their fault. In their mind the true villain is the company, the unfair policy or those whom they believe have mistreated them. Crisis is ignited when the outraged "victim" shifts into "hero" mode in an effort to protect and defend, and even the score. And when this search for justice twists toward the dark side, we watch horrified as the nightly news brings us another human tragedy.

Business and workplace relationships are fluid, ever-changing, ongoing--and connected to basic survival. So disagreements and stress are almost inevitable, especially in these chaotic times. Such conflicts need to be handled delicately. Finding a lasting resolution for these matters may be an unrealistic expectation. But the more you know about the nature of conflict, the better you'll be able to manage your conflicts and create positive results.

How do you define conflict? Many women see conflict as a negative struggle. And conflict can indeed be destructive when mean-spirited behaviors, aimed at fulfilling individual agendas or discrediting another party--who is now designated "the enemy"--are used. On the other hand, people who are committed to working together can usually find ways to avoid the destructive aspects of conflict. Conflicts can even be productive when viewed as opportunities for enhanced connection and expanding perspectives.

Here are my top 10 tips for positive conflict management in your workplace:

1. Approach every conflict as an opportunity to improve relationships, lessen tension and eliminate longstanding problems. Avoid taking things personally. Instead, treat your conflicts as a natural consequence of close relationships.
    
2. Listen without judgment. Listen to the other side and get the whole story. Many times people simply want someone to hear what they have to say, so cultivate your active listening skills.
    
3. Communicate clearly and positively. Words and tone can convey powerful positive and negative messages. Saying "How can I help you?' rather than "What do you want?" may be all it takes to stop a conflict from escalating.
    
4. Keep your cool. Uncontrolled emotions can make you look bad, no matter how much you are provoked.
    
5. Learn to recognize and be conscious of the signs of escalating conflict, within yourself and others. When an argument escalates so that people are no longer listening to each other, call a time out. Then gauge whether a few minutes, a few hours or a few days is the best prescription before the issue is raised again.
    
6. Ask for a clean slate. When stories are inconsistent or what's done is done, suggest wiping the slate clean and starting anew, thus putting the incident in the past.
    
7. Focus on solving problems, not placing blame. Ask what can be done to avoid a recurrence of the situation. Who needs to be involved to solve the problem? What are the obstacles to resolution?
    
8. Be proactive, not reactive. Address conflict in a timely manner. Denying that conflict exists or failing to respond to it promptly can be costly. Unresolved issues tend to fester and grow out of proportion. When a conflict cannot be immediately addressed, set a meeting time and place to deal with it.
   
   
9. Learn from your conflicts. Almost every disagreement contains within it an opportunity for learning.
    
10. "I want to find solutions that work for you and for me." Make this your conflict management mantra. It's difficult to argue with someone who says she wants to find a mutually agreeable solution--and means it.

Next column in this series: Creating a policy so that staff and customers have some direction when conflicts exist.