Dealing With Difficult People

We all know them--those difficult people who seem to delight in spreading misery. Inevitably, you will encounter a difficult person in your personal or professional life. And, this difficult employee, colleague, supplier, customer, relative, neighbor or friend will bring distress into your life. However, with the right strategies, you can deal with him or her effectively.

First, let's define what a difficult person is.

Identifying Difficult People
Difficult people have learned that they can keep others off balance by acting up. If you are dealing with someone whose bad behavior is habitual and who is considered hard to take by most people, not just the overly sensitive or those who lack confidence, then you have a difficult person on your hands. Worst of all, these difficult people appear immune to all the usual methods of communication and persuasion designed to convince or help them change their ways. Here are the eight difficult types you may encounter.

• The bully is angry, abusive, abrupt, aggressive, intimidating, hostile and unpredictable. Needing to always get his or her way, he or she goes off over little things, expecting others to either run away or react with rage.
• Passive-aggressive personalities say yes and do no. Examples include being late for an event he or she doesn't want to attend or leaving a note to avoid a face-to-face discussion.
• The sniper takes potshots and makes sneak attacks in subtle ways, such as humorous put-downs, sarcastic remarks, disapproving looks and innuendoes.
• Negative Nellies are complainers who are fearful, have little faith in themselves or in others and believe that the world is a hostile place. Their negativity, resentfulness and disappointment in life throw cold water on every idea and crush all glimmers of optimism.
• The blamer avoids taking responsibility. Instead, using an accusatory and self-righteous tone, he or she finds fault with everything and everyone.
• Unresponsives limit risk and seek safety by responding with a sullen look, an "I don't know" or silence. They get away with not talking because the people around them are uncomfortable with silence and too quick to fill in the gaps.
• The yes-person is a super-agreeable people pleaser who over-promises and never delivers.
• The know-it-all is an expert who comes across like a bulldozer with an aura of personal authority that is condescending, imposing and pompous.

Strategies to Cope
You don't need to go through life holding your breath. Here are some strategies you can use to cope effectively with difficult people.

• First, assess the situation. Is this really a difficult person or is he or she just having a bad day?
• Set boundaries and limitations regarding what you will and will not tolerate from others.
• Seek understanding regarding the difficult person's true motivation.
• Know when to let go and move on. Your best option may be to withdraw from the relationship--even though that might mean quitting your job, divorcing your spouse, eating lunch alone or moving far away from your parents or grown children. We all get to choose whom we allow to take up space in our lives. Choose wisely.
• Don't fight back or try to beat them at their own game. They have been practicing their skills for a lifetime, and you're an amateur.

Reject Appeasement

• Don't try to appease them. Difficult people have an insatiable appetite for more.
• Don't try to change them. You can only change your responses to their behavior.
• Take a detached, impersonal view. Your difficult person's bad behavior is not about you. So don't interpret this behavior as a personal attack.
• Do the opposite of what he or she expects. Change your response and avoid getting caught up in the cycle.
• Time your responses so that you reply when the difficult person is not under excessive stress or obligation.
• Let the difficult person say what he or she wants. Give him or her the last word, because you will have the last action.
• Find a common goal, intention or "enemy" that you share with the difficult person. Now you can be on the same team.
• Assert yourself, expressing your own views while avoiding the battle for right and wrong.
• Take an unpredictable action to get his or her attention: Drop a book, stand up, firmly call him or her by name, get him or her to sit down, and don't sit until he or she does.
• Wait for him or her to run out of steam. Then call him or her by name and assert your stand with confidence.

Question Your Attacker

• Respond to potshots and attacks with a question: "That sounds like you're making fun of me. Are you?" The response may be one of denial, "I'm only joking." Nevertheless, questioning these attacks will reduce them in the future.
• Insist on a problem-solving approach, with complaints and suggestions for resolution in writing.
• Listen attentively so that the difficult person can blow off steam and feel heard.
• Don't debate his or her negative outlook. Instead, respond with your own optimistic expectations.
• When dealing with someone who is unresponsive, avoid filling the space with words to ease your own discomfort. Comment on the fact that you find it interesting that he or she is choosing not to communicate, then ask:

• Are you concerned about my reaction? How do you think I'll react?
• You appear to be distressed/worried/concerned/annoyed/ angry/impatient/uncomfortable. Am I misinterpreting?

Then wait for a response.

• Give negative people the role of "reality checker" and require them to cite specifics rather than use sweeping generalizations.
• Make "I want to find solutions that work for both of us" your mantra when dealing with a difficult person. Keep reminding him or her that finding a mutually acceptable solution is your goal.

Dealing with difficult people takes practice, so don't give up or get discouraged. Although these strategies won't change the difficult person, they will challenge his or her ability to interfere in your life.