In my years in business, I've been stabbed in the back more often by women
than by men.
When I had my own company and networking organization, a number of women who
volunteered to lead chapters were not happy with the direction my company was
taking the organization. They not only "defected," but also took all the
members from the chapters they left to jump-start new groups. They even created
private e-mail lists to recruit the leaders of remaining chapters.
"Some women feel that there is too little of the business success pie to go
around, so they backstab other women and hoard what they perceive to be limited
resources and rewards rather than collaborate and cross-promote and network with
other ambitious women," says Debra Condren, business psychologist and author of Ambition is Not a Dirty Word. "The guys know that sharing credit and working
together while at the same time being cut-throat competitive--but with
integrity--is how to win."
Judith Briles, author of Woman to Woman: From Sabotage to Support, says some
women learn when they are young that it's safer to do their backstabbing
covertly. "They come with the belief that being coy, cute and less visible in
their undermining is the way to go," Briles says.
According to Briles, a high-ranking woman saboteur can keep another woman
down by withholding information; taking credit or discounting the other woman's
contributions; holding back a bonus, promotion or recommendation; and spreading
untruths.
Dealing With Sabotage
Valerie Johnson, 39, says she started her own company after being stabbed in
the back by a female employer. Johnson was looking forward to a bonus designed
to supplement her department's below-industry-standard salaries. Instead of
giving planned bonuses, however, the company owner and partners moved into plush
offices and pocketed the balance of the bonus money.
Johnson left the company and started Big Feet Pajamas Co. Three years later,
her company is a $1 million entity.
"I didn't want my financial future to rest in the hands of others. I wanted
to be responsible for my own destiny," says Johnson. Now that she is her own
boss, she worries less about backstabbing.
Here's what to do if you feel you are being stabbed in the back in business:
"Confront, confront, confront and confront," says Briles. "If sabotaging
behavior isn't acknowledged and confronted, silence condones it."
Condren agrees. "Always take the high road and confront--with integrity," she
says. "You have to think strategically about when and where and how to confront,
and whether to do so explicitly or implicitly. What you don't do is 'eat it,'
ignore it or blame yourself, because that eats away at your own professional
self-esteem and ambition."
Other advice from Condren:
1. Don't sell yourself short. There is always a possibility of conflict. If
you hate conflict, you’ve got to fight the tendency to sell yourself short just
to avoid conflicts.
2. Sometimes you just have to move on. If you've exhausted all reasonable,
diligent efforts to get the recognition, credit and money you're due and have
been thwarted at every attempt, it's time to start looking for new
opportunities.
I ended up doing the latter--I moved on to other things. But even today, I
don't think I've ever really left the hurt behind.