Think back to the last time you found yourself embroiled in conflict. Can you
still feel the physical sensations? Are the anger and rage still there,
simmering? For many of us, those feelings are just the surface. Let's look a
little deeper.
Conflict is a struggle between two or more forces. And failing to manage your
conflicts can almost guarantee business failure. Conflict can be destructive if
you engage in mean-spirited behaviors aimed at fulfilling an individual agenda
or discrediting the other party; however, it can be productive if you view it as
an opportunity to expand your perspective and investigate new options.
There are two concepts you can use to understand your own conflicts, so let's
look at your last conflict and try to make some sense of it. First, under the
anger, can you identify feeling dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised or
otherwise disrespected? Different "dis" words will fit different scenarios. But
the bottom line is, did you feel duped?
For instance, when arguing over a sum of money, one or both of the parties
often says, "It's not really about the money; it's the principle." This is a
tip-off that the conflict is actually about feeling "dissed." The dollar amount
becomes a metaphor, representing how much we value one another.
When money isn't the issue, the theory still applies. At a recent chamber of
commerce meeting, one of my clients, Gwen, a powerful business leader, wasn't
recognized during the mayor's opening remarks. Gwen's internal reaction was the
same as if the mayor had consciously and verbally announced, "Gwen just isn't
that important around here." Luckily, Gwen chose not to act on those feelings.
Instead, she quietly stewed and used positive self-talk as the meeting went on.
Gwen decided that this was probably just an oversight and not an instance where
she wanted to open up a dialogue. Gwen has learned that occasionally--especially
with an isolated incident--avoidance is the best conflict management strategy.
In the news, conflicts make the headlines. Recent stories include Alec
Baldwin's raging voice-mail message and Dale Ernhardt Jr. leaving Ernhardt Inc.
We can only guess about the incidents that triggered these episodes. However, it
seems likely that these occurrences were the last straw in a line of experiences
that left someone feeling displaced, discounted and disenfranchised.
In his book
The Joy of
Conflict Resolution, Gary Harper provides a somewhat different
perspective for understanding our conflicts. The book begins with a fairy tale,
complete with an evil dragon, a beautiful princess and the noble prince who
saves her. Harper proposes that the fairy tales of our youth play a crucial role
in the conflicts we face today in business.
But fairy tales promote simplistic, black-and-white conflicts with
larger-than-life characters. Unfortunately, though, the drama triangle of
victim, hero and villain can become a psychological barrier to resolving our
real-life conflicts. When we play the victim--under attack, powerless, inclined
to withdraw and willing to accept sympathy--we also absolve ourselves of
responsibility. Rather than meeting the situation head-on, we justify inaction
by telling ourselves that the other person is the one who needs to change.
Sometimes we shift into hero mode to protect ourselves, defend our interests
and even the score. It's a role full of courage, selflessness and the dramatic
seeking of justice. Of course, the darker side is that we can become
self-righteous, manipulative and controlling, which inevitably heightens the
conflict.
We have no difficulty determining the villain when we find ourselves in
conflict. However, ironically, the villain typically views him or herself as the
victim and conjures up a hero to fight back.
The bottom line is, instead of playing a hero-and-villain scenario in your
head, the key to resolving your conflicts is to change your thinking. Consider
that the person on the other side may also be feeling disrespected or under
attack. When you can become partners and patiently seek a creative resolution to
the conflict, you both win. This doesn't necessarily mean splitting the
difference; it means sharing stories in a way that makes them easy to hear. To
make it work, you'll have to listen with curiosity and compassion to foster a
mutual understanding that'll lead to dialogue and resolution.