The acceptance of women saying "No" ends about the time they turn the tender
age of three--soon after the cuteness of their first words wears off and shortly
before they're introduced to The Successful Girl's Lifetime Guide to Pleasing
Others.
OK, that publication doesn't really exist, but you get the idea. From early
on, girls--and later, women--in our culture are conditioned to live up to
others' expectations and the superwoman standard. We're expected to take on
more, whatever more might be, gracefully and willingly.
Saying "no" is simply not a suitable response from women seeking
acceptance--in the boardroom, the bedroom or even the PTA. Sound a bit cynical?
Perhaps. But, sadly, more than a few women have suffered resentment, anger,
exhaustion and more under others' oppressive expectations.
Problem: You find it difficult to say "No."
Solution: Hire a "No" pro.
A good life coach can help you work up your confidence and get through the
anxieties of saying "No" more often and with greater confidence. Maybe your lips
can speak the word, but your heart or mind doesn't give you permission to do so
with regularity and confidence. A coach can make the difference.
Short of actually talking to a pro, treat yourself to a copy of Dr. Susan
Newman's The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It and Mean It. A noted author and
psychologist, Newman is an expert in the art of saying "No" and makes the
concept user-friendly.
Problem: You're afraid that if you say "No," you'll
miss out on a valuable opportunity.
Solution: Replace "No" with a qualified "Yes."
"Qualified" is the operative word here. If what is being asked of you is an
exciting challenge or opportunity but also a strain on your schedule or a
compromise, say "Yes," but qualify it with conditions.
You could say, "I'd like to help you out, but I need support from you. Are
you open to that?" Or, "I could make a meaningful contribution to this project
if we could redesign my level of participation. Would that be possible?"
If you want to say "Yes" and not live to regret it later, take the time to
make requests and design an agreement that'll allow you to participate without
feeling overburdened or resentful later on. A well designed "Yes" can be as
valuable as any courageous "No."
Problem: You're uncertain why or when to say "No."
Solution: Commit your priorities to paper first.
The greatest source of "No"-related stress stems from having your routine or
priorities compromised. Don't let yourself get distracted from your most
critical priorities to meet others' expectations. This kind of compromise is
most likely to occur when you're not completely clear about what's most
important to you.
Write down, refine and refer to the three or four critical priorities that
guide your life, and you'll force yourself to satisfy your own commitments
before you take on anyone else's. By focusing on your priorities first, you'll
find the courage to strategically filter through other people's expectations,
instead of automatically complying with them. Later, you'll avoid bouts with
resentment, fatigue and even anger.
"No" is a valued word that every woman should be able to pull out of her
lexicon with confidence. And while there are many ways to say "No," knowing how
to use the word will give your space and peace of mind.