Even if you're an accomplished, successful woman, business communications can
be a minefield--especially when it comes to gender-based encounters. I'll never
forget being at the home office of one of my mentors and getting the once-over
from one of his male clients. Once my mentor left the room, this accomplished
male entrepreneur delivered a one-two punch: a combination of leering looks and
sexually charged remarks. I blushed and mumbled a half-baked retort. On another
occasion, after I had told people at a networking event that I was training for
a half marathon for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, a male business owner said
he wanted to watch me "bounce across the finish line" in front of a whole group
of people.
Happily, most male--and female--associates and business leaders pursue
appropriate behavior. But for those times they don't, here are some tips that'll
help you counteract, avoid or effectively deal with some of the most pernicious
offenders, including toilet humor, macho swaggering and sexually charged
interactions. First, here are some typical scenarios you might relate to:
Misdirected Verbal Banter
In terms of inappropriate behavior, the "old boy's network" mentality got to
Stacie Francombe, CEO and founder of Get Married (http://www.getmarried.com/), a
TV program and website, and Reel Creative, a video production company in
Georgia. "Sometimes when I'm with a male counterpart not as high up on the food
chain as myself, the owner, male clients tend to direct their conversations to
the [male] counterpart, instead of me."
Sadly Sexist
Susan Kullmann, managing director of DoctorGeek.biz (http://www.doctorgeek.biz/),
a web development, consulting and training firm in Claremont, Calif.,
encountered an overtly sexist slight. A male associate dean told her, then the
director of academic technology, that he didn't think it was a good idea for a
woman--her--to talk to his engineering faculty about computers. This remark was
made in front of three other faculty development colleagues. And Kullmann says
the associate dean had no clue he was out of line.
Rude and Unprofessional Conduct
What do you do when a male competitor literally drags a prospect forcibly away
from you? This unbelievable scenario unfolded at a conference where Jennifer
Connelly, president and founder of JC Public Relations (http://www.jcpublicrelations.com/),
a New Jersey-based PR firm, was attempting to speak with a newly introduced
prospect. Connelly says a competitor saw she was chatting with the prospect and
one of his sales reps at a networking break. The male competitor walked up from
behind her, grabbed the prospect by the arm and dragged him away from the group.
"I didn't know how to handle this. My face turned beet red and I felt like
crying. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever consider doing anything like
that," she said.
Feminine Subterfuge
According to Michele Hanson, an active gender diversity specialist based in
Austin, Texas, women, in general, don't do well with women who are above them
because we're socialized into believing that everyone is equal. According to
Hanson, women will do things to keep that equality, usually indirectly, through
comments to co-workers or by withholding information. "Several women bosses were
totally threatened by me," says Hanson, who is now CEO of ExecuInsight, her own
executive mentoring and training firm. "The more I performed, the more intense
the sabotage; they made life tough for me."
So what's an entrepreneurial woman to do?
Recognize that preparedness is half the battle. Whether it's in the
form of an e-mail or during a water-cooler chat, if you're at the ready with an
on-point remark that deals with the discussion at hand, not necessarily the
actual remark that was made, you'll score major points for presence under
pressure.
Try not to take it personally. Instead of getting ruffled feathers,
stay focused and forward thinking. Count to 10, put a smile on your face and
move on. Try to devote your energy to what you need to do during the meeting or
networking event, voicing your frustrations to a trusted peer after the fact. If
the offender is a colleague, vendor or client, you might want to consider
discussing the situation later on, in private, to avoid a repeat offense.
Silence is sometimes the most effective weapon. Cloddish behavior will
always be around, no matter how far up the ladder you go. By not creating a
scene, you can actually win. Like Connelly, I've found that silence can be
deadly for the erring party. After the initial shock of what happened at the
conference, Connelly composed herself and rallied brilliantly--by not saying a
word about what happened when the prospect returned. "We ignored what happened
and continued to talk about what we do for our clients." The result: She got the
account.
Take charge. Since you're running your own show, you can choose who to
do business with and who to circumvent entirely. "For me, one of the joys of
running my own business is that I can now avoid individuals and environments
where inappropriate sexist comments are made," says Kullmann, who happily serves
a variety of professionally minded firms.
Inform the clueless as necessary. Lots of times words tumble out
before the person considers their potential impact. While, sadly, sometimes this
is done on purpose, there are scads of situations when it's an accident. When
you find you need to deal with inappropriate behavior or comments, approach
things directly and swiftly, and with tact.
One example of how to begin this conversation could be, "I wasn't comfortable
about the way things went at the meeting. I'd like to talk to you about we can
work together in a constructive way, to our mutual benefit." Or try, "I'd like
to talk about what happened a few days ago. It was an uncomfortable situation
for me. I'd like to hear your side and see how we can work through this."
Whether you do business across the globe or in your own hometown, part of
your success depends on your ability to communicate around potentially
uncomfortable verbal and written encounters. Use these tips and practice your
approach, staying true to your own comfort zone, and you can improve the odds of
winning in any communications scenario.