The Flip Side: A Partner's View of Life and Work

I recently interviewed women business owners about how their companies infringe on their personal relationships, particularly with their life partners. Katya Tsaioun of Apredica, a clinical research organization, struggles to maintain her commitments to her family over business.

Tsaioun's husband, Doug, put their situation this way:

"The personal relationship struggle is that there's no respite from the business. Home life is an extension of the office. And to top it off, this summer, like last summer, our 19-year-old daughter will be working in the business, too.

"Work talk so completely pervades our relationship and has for so long now that it's noticeable only when the talk stops. The only time it stops is when we take a weekend to go hiking or cross-country skiing, where we have hours on end to talk, and no interruptions from phone or e-mail. And even then it takes several hours of talking about work before it finally winds down."

I'm sure if I asked my husband, he'd have an entirely different perception of my work's impact on our relationship than my perception. I don't know if I'm in denial about my working--like an addict is in denial about her addiction--but I'm always floored when he complains that I work too much or too often when I should be doing something with him or as a family.

In her interview, Jennifer Ormond filled me in further about her work/life situation:

"For the most part my husband and I are on the same page. We both want to do what is right for our business, our children and the environment. Because our children are so young (7, 6, 3, and 18 months), we realize that our lives won't be as hectic later as they are now. We have our 18-month-old home and our 3-year-old goes to half day preschool; and because we don't really have a lot of outside help, it is always my husband or me who is with the kids.

When one of us is with the kids, the other is working. We work very long hours and strange hours. I might get home from work at 9 p.m., and my husband will walk right out the door and work until 1 or 2 a.m. I have gotten up at 5 a.m. and he hasn't even come home yet."

I think that in the same way each relationship is different, one person's craziness is another person's routine. Our tolerance levels for one another's habits vary. Personally, I like it when my husband takes the time to do some work that he wants to do while at home. I like that he is doing things that are fulfilling to him, don't mind the respite so I can do things on my own or with my daughter, and rarely feel that his work (or hobbies for that matter) infringe on our time together. I guess that is also because my idea of "togetherness" is much different from his and my need for space and time on my own is far greater. For me, working is part of my "me" time.

For the partners out there, is your wife/girlfriend so work-focused that it affects her attentiveness to you and your relationship? What advice would you give her (and us) if we'd only listen?